The Very Secret Diaries of Padme Amidala
by Rhea Summers
Summary: Want to know what is going through Padme's mind? The answers are here, in her secret diaries. (Spoilers warning!)
1. Part 1

Alright, this is just a wild jab at the humorous side of Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. Any flames will be extinguished with a blue lightsaber. XD Reviews and comments are welcomed. 

Rhea : rhea@wong.as 

The Very Secret Diaries of Padme Amidala Day #1: On Padme Amidala's Bed, Naboo 

Time to rise and shine! Being dragged out of bed isn't what I have in mind though, R2. Today, I'm going out to meet the Naboo Parliament, minus the stupid headgears I'm forced to put on. Who says Nabooians have the best sense of fashion in the Republic? 

Thank god I'm not Queen anymore. 

Day #2: In the Grand Council Meeting Room, Naboo 

Great. I'm supposed to cast a vote now. Vote casting is never good and I've survived for assassination plots to last me a lifetime to know that. Still, I have to vote for or against a Republic Army. I'm a firm believer of Democracy, and I'll never stop believing it. Anyway, I have to get off this planet by this afternoon or I won't be able to vote in time. 

Why do I get the feeling that Jar Jar is going to be the next Senator after me? Blame it on a terrifying nightmare of Jar Jar addressing the Senate. 

Day #5: In front of my starship, Coruscant

Old tricks never die out, they say. Again, I switched roles with one of my handmaidens, which is a good thing because I've been dying to get out of that costume which they call a _kinomo_ in a galaxy far, far away. I should have banned space travelers from bringing back obscure dresses when I was Queen. 

_Later... In front of a smoldering wreck which was once my starship_

Old plans never expire, they say. I have been the target of assassination again. Yes, again. Don't they give up trying to kill me? My friend, you will never succeed. It's getting clichéd. The sad thing is, my handmaiden died. It would have been me if I were eager to play dress-up. 

_Later still... In front of the Jedi Council _

Yoda's there. Windu's there. Count Dooku isn't there. Of course, he's planning to kill me. One question has been hanging in my mind. Why doesn't Count Dooku just call himself Dracula when he has the same initials as an infamous vampire? I heard he wears black, like Count Dracula. 

Obi-Wan's there too, with Ani. Cute butt, Obi-Wan has. I'm secretly beginning to think if Master Yoda has ever thought of that. Thank the stars that Jedi knights are fond of tights. Ani's not bad too, but I feel like a pedophile for looking at him like that. He's just an obnoxious kid I once knew. 

Oh, both of them are protecting me. Ani wanted to watch me undress, that little pervert. I'll just shut off the surveillance cameras and let Skywalker settle his own frustration. Only if Obi-Wan was there... 

Day #6: Early morning in my bed with slug entrails over my blanket

I was dreaming a very sweet dream starring myself and Obi-Wan. Then, I woke up to see Ani squatting on top of me. What a rude way to wake someone up! The next thing I knew, Obi-Wan attempted suicide. Or, rather, threw himself through the glass windows. 

Wait, I didn't know Jedi knights are fans of Extreme Sports. Not until I see Obi-Wan hanging onto a spy-bot after crashing out of my room. 

I'll leave R2 to clean up those horrid intestines spilling out of those slugs Ani chopped up just now. 

Day #7: In my room, again

Officially, my life is in danger and I have to run away from Coruscant. No, I'm not alone. I'm with Obi-Wan's Padawan, Ani. Since yesterday, Ani has been hitting on me like he has never seen a female humanoid since I left him 10 years ago. I can't blame him. I think Yoda's sexless. 

Obi-Wan seems so tamed compared to Ani. Strangely enough, I find myself attracted to bad boys who can electrify girls with their gazes. I hope he is not using The Force to feed dirty thoughts into my head. *You're exactly the way I remember you in my dreams,* Ani had said to me and he seemed to be undressing me with his eyes. I'm now convinced that he isn't having any innocent dream starring me. 

_Later, in the refugee starship..._

I'm the Senator of Naboo and I'm crammed here with dozens of weird creatures with eyes attached on their feet. I regret ever wearing a dress here. I'm still giggling when those creatures tried to peek under Ani's Jedi robe. Obviously, they thought he was going commando and Ani simply gave them a hard kick each on their jelly-like eyes. What twisted minds, they had. Perhaps Darwin's Theory of Evolution favors eyes being grown on feet. 

At least Ani isn't interested in non-humanoid species.  

_To be continued… _


	2. Part 2

Day #8: In the mess hall of the refugee starship Ani, oh Ani. Our favorite Padawan hasn't stopped hitting on me! Now he's saying that my axe-like hairstyle is his biggest turn-on. If I ever have the chance, I'll tie my hair up in two croissant bun-like projections from my head. What about an Afro perm? I believe Jedi knights don't get cardiac arrests since the Force is always with them. 

Day #10: Approaching Naboo Approaching Naboo, my home planet. Naboo is way better than any planet in the universe, sans the fashion sense there. I wonder what is the latest craze now. I hope it's not the spandex fighting gear for the fairer sex that some twisted scientist invented over at Coruscant. Heh! I don't want to jinx myself. 

According to the Grand Jedi Council, Ani has to follow me everywhere. Does going to the bathroom count? Ani had probably dreamt of this day for 10 long, long years. My family is another problem here. What would mom say? That I've finally gotten myself a steady? That Ani is extremely good-looking in leather? That Ani looks like he's a boy band lead singer? 

Obviously, Yoda's smart enough to let Jedi knights choose their type of fabric. I seriously doubt Yoda will look smashing in leather. He better stick to cotton. 

_Later, with the Queen…_ I can't believe it! Ani just insulted me in front of the Queen; that he is charge of my safety and I can't go anywhere I want. Fine. He might as well put a collar around my neck and pull me along with a chain. 

Okay. Here's a plan. Ani grew up in Tatooine before he was taken in as a Jedi Padawan by Obi-Wan. That means, he must have loved sand, sun and more sand. I'll take him to my lake retreat where we have lakes, waterfalls and rolling hills where we have water, water and more water. 

Day #11: Naboo Lake Retreat - The Platform Today has been both an exciting day. I don't know what have gotten into me today when I picked a bareback halter dress. I know I'm a sultry temptress and I just have to tell you how Ani's jaw dropped when he saw me in that. For a moment, Ani looked at me as if I have suddenly morphed into one of those cute creatures in E.T. 

Then, he got bolder. Dear Ani, you really have grown up. 

I didn't know Jedi Masters teach their Padawans on how to touch and kiss a girl. Either Obi-Wan has been teaching Anakin all that or Obi-Wan has a hidden stash of X-rated movies in the Jedi Temple. Perhaps Obi-Wan inherited them from Qui-Gon. You'll never know… 

Day #12: Naboo Lake Retreat - Hills come alive with the sound of lightsabers… Today has been a best day of my life so far! Surrounded by serene waterfalls and daisy-filled fields, I feel like the hills will come alive, with the sound of music. For a moment or two, I had this strange anticipation that Obi-Wan will burst into the scene and start running up a slope, singing _'Hills come alive… With the sound of music…'_ Probably not, but the mental image is rather funny. 

Ani and I talked, kissed, talked and kissed. Well, you get the idea. Then, we rolled around in the grass like those Bollywood flicks where the hero and heroine have to frolic in the hills to make the movie complete. I feel like a movie star now… 

Did I mention that Anakin's a great kisser? I need to ask him whether he has experimented his _'skills'_ with other non-humaniod species. I truly hope he didn't try them on Jar Jar. 

Day #13: Naboo Lake Retreat - The Dinner  I think I have been infected by the leather bug. I just have to wear a leather corset to the dinner. I wonder if Ani will like me this way… Anyhow, I think he appreciates me, since he has been showing off his Jedi skills a lot. I think it is part and parcel of his Jedi training on the chapter _'How to pick-up girls using the Force'_. 

_Later, in front of the fireplace _ Dear Yoda, I have just heard the corniest pick-up line in the entire galaxy. Thank the Republic that it has been hours after dinner when he said, _"My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me."_

Where in the Jedi Temple did he learn that line? Don't tell me Yoda practiced those lines very often. Maybe Yoda's a cute hunk in Yoda-verse. Alright, either one of the three Grand Jedi Masters taught him that or Anakin's turning into a major mush ball. Actually, that is not a bad idea. Anakin can get Obi-Wan, Yoda and Windu to form a boy band named the _'Backstreet Jedi'_ with song titles like _'Quit Playing Jedi Tricks With My Heart'_. 

Then, I can sing _'Not a Queen, Not Yet A Jedi's Lover'. _

I swear. I'm attracted to Anakin because of those corny lines. 

_Even later, in my bed…_ No, I didn't jump in bed with Anakin, although I was mentally cursing myself for that. R2 has just beeped me that it recorded some strange noises from Ani's room next door. So, out of curiosity, I got up and took a peek at him. 

He was there, obviously undressed. I hadn't really seen naked men before so I stood there, looking at his even breathing and of course, his yummy bare chest. Then, it happened. I still remember clearly how he moaned _"No… No…"_ For a minute, I thought he was having another of those, ahem, dreams. Well, you can't blame me for saying that. Some of my handmaidens told me that some boys moan that way when they are uh, excited. I even wondered who was the lucky girl he was dreaming about. Secretly, I thought the girl might be me. 

Wait a moment. Did he just mention _'mom'_? Dear Lord. 

_To be continued… _

A/N: I didn't write Padme in character for this spoof. If I wrote her in character, there will be no humor at all, since Padme didn't strike me as an exceptionally funny and irritating Senator like Jar Jar Binks. Everything's in the name of fun and I'm not going to respond to flames and such. =) Have a nice day! 


	3. Chapter 3 (the full version... Scroll do...

**The Very Secret Diary of Padme Amidala **

Day #1: On Padme Amidala's Bed, Naboo  
Time to rise and shine! Being dragged out of bed isn't what I have in mind though, R2. Today, I'm going out to meet the Naboo Parliament, minus the stupid headgears I'm forced to put on. Who says Nabooians have the best sense of fashion in the Republic? 

Thank god I'm not Queen anymore. 

Day #2: In the Grand Council Meeting Room, Naboo  
Great. I'm supposed to cast a vote now. Vote casting is never good and I've survived more assassination plots to last me a lifetime to know that. Still, I have to vote for or against a Republic Army. I'm a firm believer of Democracy, and I'll never stop believing it. Anyway, I have to get off this planet by this afternoon or I won't be able to vote in time. 

Why do I get the feeling that Jar Jar is going to be the next Senator after me? Blame it on a terrifying nightmare of Jar Jar addressing the Senate. 

Day #5: In front of my starship, Coruscant  
Old tricks never die out, they say. Again, I am switching roles with one of my handmaidens, which is a good thing because I've been dying to get out of that costume which they call a _kinomo_ in a galaxy far, far away. I should have banned space travelers from bringing back obscure dresses when I was Queen. 

_Later... In front of a smoldering wreck which was once my starship_  
Old plans never expire, they say. I have been the target of mass assassination again. Yes, again, complete with the explosions and spaceship wrecking. Don't they give up trying to kill me? My friends, you will never succeed. It's getting clichéd. The sad thing is, my handmaiden died. It would have been me if I were eager to play dress-up. 

_Later still... In front of the Jedi Council_  
Yoda's there. Windu's there. Count Dooku isn't there. Of course, he's planning to kill me. One question has been hanging in my mind. Why doesn't Count Dooku just call himself Dracula when he has the same initials as an infamous vampire? I heard he wears black, like Count Dracula. 

Obi-Wan's there too, with Ani. Cute butt, Obi-Wan has. I'm secretly beginning to think if Master Yoda has ever thought of that. Thank the stars that Jedi knights are fond of tights. Ani's not bad too, but I feel like a pedophile for looking at him like that. He's just an obnoxious kid I once knew. 

Oh, both of them are protecting me. Ani wanted to watch me undress, that little pervert. I'll just shut off the surveillance cameras and let Skywalker settle his own frustration. Only if Obi-Wan was there... 

Day #6: Early morning in my bed with slug entrails over my blanket  
I was dreaming a very sweet dream starring myself and Obi-Wan. Then, I woke up to see Ani squatting on top of me. What a rude way to wake someone up! I knew it! I knew that Ani wanted to see me in my frilly nightgowns. 

The next thing I knew, Obi-Wan attempted suicide. Or, rather, threw himself through the glass windows. Wait, I didn't know Jedi knights are fans of Extreme Sports. Not until I see Obi-Wan hanging onto a spy-bot after crashing out of my room. 

I'll leave R2 to clean up those horrid intestines spilling out of those slugs Ani chopped up just now. 

Day #7: In my room, again  
Officially, my life is in danger and I have to run away from Coruscant. No, I'm not alone. I'm with Obi-Wan's Padawan, Ani. Since yesterday, Ani has been hitting on me like he has never seen a female humanoid since I left him 10 years ago. I can't blame him. I think Yoda's sexless. 

Obi-Wan seems so tamed compared to Ani. Strangely enough, I find myself attracted to bad boys who can electrify girls with their gazes. I hope he is not using The Force to feed dirty thoughts into my head. _*You're exactly the way I remember you in my dreams,* _ Ani had said to me and he seemed to be undressing me with his eyes. I'm now convinced that he isn't having any innocent dream starring me. 

_Later, in the refugee starship..._  
I'm the Senator of Naboo and I'm crammed here with dozens of weird creatures with eyes attached to their feet. I regret ever wearing a dress here. I'm still giggling when those creatures tried to peek under Ani's Jedi robe. Obviously, they thought he was going commando and Ani simply gave them a hard kick each on their jelly-like eyes. What twisted minds, they have. Perhaps Darwin's Theory of Evolution favors eyes being grown on feet. 

At least Ani isn't interested in non-humanoid species. 

Day #8: In the mess hall of the refugee starship  
Ani, oh Ani. Our favorite Padawan hasn't stopped hitting on me! Now he's saying that my axe-like hairstyle is his biggest turn-on. If I ever have the chance, I'll tie my hair up in two croissant bun-like projections from my head. What about an Afro perm? I believe Jedi knights don't get cardiac arrests since the Force is always with them. 

Day #10: Approaching Naboo  
Approaching Naboo, my home planet. Naboo is way better than any planet in the universe, sans the fashion sense there. I wonder what is the latest craze now. I hope it's not the spandex fighting gear for the fairer sex that some twisted scientist invented over at Coruscant. Heh! I don't want to jinx myself. 

According to the Grand Jedi Council, Ani has to follow me everywhere. Does going to the bathroom count? Ani has probably dreamt of this day for 10 long, long years. My family is another problem here. What would mom say? That I've finally gotten myself a steady? That Ani is extremely good-looking in leather? That Ani looks like he's a boy band lead singer? 

Obviously, Yoda's smart enough to let Jedi knights choose their type of fabric. I seriously doubt Yoda will look smashing in leather. He better stick to cotton. 

_Later, with the Queen…_  
I can't believe it! Ani has just insulted me in front of the Queen; that he is charge of my safety and I can't go anywhere I want. Fine. He might as well put a collar around my neck and pull me along with a chain. 

Okay. Here's a plan. Ani grew up in Tatooine before he was taken in as a Jedi Padawan by Obi-Wan. That means, he must have loved sand, sun and more sand. I'll take him to my lake retreat where we have lakes, waterfalls and rolling hills where we have water, water and more water. 

Day #11: Naboo Lake Retreat - The Platform  
Today has been both an exciting and a flirty day. I don't know what have gotten into me today when I picked a bareback halter dress. I know I'm a sultry temptress and I just have to tell you how Ani's jaw dropped when he saw me in that. For a moment, Ani looked at me as if I had suddenly morphed into one of those cute creatures in E.T. 

Then, he got bolder. Dear Ani, you really have grown up. 

One more thing, Anakin is good at kissing. I didn't know Jedi Masters teach their Padawans on how to touch and kiss a girl. Either Obi-Wan has been teaching Anakin all that or Obi-Wan has a hidden stash of X-rated movies in the Jedi Temple. Perhaps Obi-Wan inherited them from Qui-Gon. You'll never know… 

Day #12: Naboo Lake Retreat - Hills come alive with the sound of lightsabers…  
Today has been a best day of my life so far! Surrounded by serene waterfalls and daisy-filled fields, I felt like the hills would come alive, with the sound of music. For a moment or two, I had this strange anticipation that Obi-Wan would burst into the scene and start running up a slope, singing _ 'Hills come alive… With the sound of music…' _ Probably not, but the mental image is rather funny. 

Ani and I talked, kissed, talked and kissed. Well, you get the idea. Then, we rolled around in the grass like those Bollywood flicks where the hero and heroine have to frolic in the hills to make the movie complete. I feel like a movie star now… 

Did I mention that Anakin's a great kisser? I need to ask him whether he has experimented his _ 'skills_' with other non-humaniod species. I truly hope he didn't try them on Jar Jar. 

Day #13: Naboo Lake Retreat - The Dinner   
I think I have been infected by the leather bug. I just have to wear a leather corset to the dinner. I wonder if Ani will like me this way… Anyhow, I think he appreciates me, since he has been showing off his Jedi skills a lot. I think it is part and parcel of his Jedi training on the chapter _ 'How to pick-up girls using the Force'. _

_Later, in front of the fireplace _  
Dear Yoda, I have just heard the corniest pick-up line in the entire galaxy. Thank the Republic that it has been hours after dinner when he said, _ "My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar. You are in my very soul, tormenting me." _

Where in the Jedi Temple did he learn that line? Don't tell me Yoda practiced those lines very often. Maybe Yoda's a cute hunk in Yoda-verse, but he is only a wrinkly green Muppet to me. Alright, either one of the three Grand Jedi Masters taught him that or Anakin's turning into a major mush ball. Actually, that is not a bad idea. Anakin can get Obi-Wan, Yoda and Windu to form a boy band named the _ 'Backstreet Jedi_' with song titles like _ 'Quit Playing Jedi Tricks With My Heart'. _

Then, I can sing _ 'Not a Queen, Not Yet A Jedi's Lover'. _

I admit. I'm attracted to Anakin because of those corny lines. 

_Even later, in my bed…_  
No, I didn't jump in bed with Anakin straight after our little chat by the fireplace, although I was mentally cursing myself for that. R2 has just beeped me that it recorded some strange noises from Ani's room next door. So, out of curiosity, I got up and took a peek at him. 

He was there, obviously undressed. I hadn't really seen naked men before so I stood there, looking at his even breathing and of course, his yummy bare chest. Then, it happened. I still remember clearly how he moaned _ "No… No…"_ For a minute, I thought he was having another of those, ahem, dreams. Well, you can't blame me for saying that. Some of my handmaidens told me that some boys moan that way when they are uh, excited. I even wondered who was the lucky girl he was dreaming about. Secretly, I thought the girl might be me. 

Wait a moment. Did he just mention _ 'mom'_? 

Dear Lord. 

Day #14: Naboo Lake Retreat - Early morning, outside Anakin's room  
This has to be it. I need to approach Ani on his weird moaning. R2 confirmed my suspicion. He _'did_' say _ 'mom_'. He's there, outside the balcony. No matter how I look, he doesn't seem to be the type of boy who has all kinds of twisted fantasies. 

Never mind. I'll play safe and just ask if he had a nightmare. 

_ One hour later, standing behind Anakin _  
Don't ask why I spent one entire hour standing behind Anakin. The sight before me was to die for. How often do you get cute Padawans with a sweaty undershirt standing on your balcony? I didn't drool, thank you. 

Anyhow, I just popped the question and he answered, _ "Jedi don't have nightmares." _ For a moment, I thought he was going to recite the details of his, ahem, dream, but my suspicion was proven untrue when he mentioned that he had felt his mother being tortured. Hm, a chance wasted here. I was originally going to invite him to take a roll between the sheets if the answer was related to me. 

Damn! I need a pat on my head for being so smart. Now I'll have play along and follow him to Tatooine. 

Day #16: Tatooine - The Streets of Mos Espa  
It is hot and dry. Tatooine isn't the best place to live in if you want perfect skin. On the tangent of Jedi knights who have been to Tatooine, Anakin does have perfect skin, so does Obi-Wan. I need to ask them for some Jedi secrets on skin care. Don't forget, Master Windu's bald head can even reflect light. 

_ Later, in Watto's shop… _  
Shmi was sold to a moisture farmer a few years ago? That's news. Looks like Anakin's going to have a stepfather. I'm hoping he isn't going to have a sexy stepsister. 

_ Even later, outside the Lars homestead… _  
Is C3PO gay? How naughty of Anakin to program a droid's sexual preferences. 

_ Instead the Lars homestead… _  
Poor Anakin. He wasn't lying when he told me about Shmi being tortured in his nightmare, but why did he have to moan and groan in an orgasmic way? I wonder if he is still interested in me. I even wonder if I will ever see him again, since he has decided to rescue his mother from the Tusken Raiders. 

I wish I had a camera with me now. Anakin looks sexy on a speeder bike. Owen's not bad too. It's a pity Beru got him first. 

Day #17: Tatooine - Sand, sand, and more sand  
Anakin's back, with a dead Shmi. Anakin doesn't look happy. Well, of course he doesn't look happy. His mother's dead… I don't know how to console him. Does he like blue milk? 

_ Later, in the garage… _  
Anakin is the man! I think I'm already in love with him. I was carrying a tray with a glass of blue milk when he started whining about how he hated the Tusken Raiders, how Obi-Wan held him back, and how he killed those barbarians like animals. For the first time, I noticed that he had a pair of sexy eyes, a pair of sexy hands and gosh, I even find his Padawan braid sexy. Everything about him is sexy when he is in a dark mood. 

Ahem. I shouldn't be thinking of such things when he was pouring out his heart and soul to me. The only words coming from me were, _ "Anakin, what's wrong?" _ Yeah, I know. His mother just died, but I was too busy drooling over him to come up with anything coherent at the moment. 

Perhaps, I should give him a small _present_ tonight… I'll give him a real _nightmare_ this time. 

_ Even later, in the garage… _  
Damn C3PO. Anakin and I were tearing each other's clothes off when that gay droid just walked in on us. The real gem came when it said, _"Master Ani, do you need to go to the bathroom?" _ Anakin and I shot him blank looks. 

_ "No, I believe I don't. Why?" Anakin asked the droid in return. _

"Well, Master Ani, your fly is open," C3PO answered. 

This has to be the most embarrassing moment in my life. So much for droids trying to understand human behavior. On the other hand, I just found out that Anakin is a briefs guy. 

Day #18: Tatooine - In my spaceship  
Obi-Wan's in danger. I'm going to save Obi-Wan or this galaxy will lose one handsome and sexy Jedi knight. 

Day #19: Geonesis   
Woohoo! Anakin has a big and long blue lightsaber! Go me! 

I wonder if the length of lightsabers has anything to do with a Jedi knight's anatomy… 

_ Ten minutes later… _  
Ten minutes ago, I was happily fighting those winged creatures and thinking about Anakin's lightsaber. Now, I'm thinking whether I can ever see Anakin's lightsaber in the future. Since I'm going to die soon, I may as well tell Anakin how crazy I am for him. 

Here goes my cheesiest line ever… _ "I truly, deeply love you." _ For a moment, I am tempted to add the words _ 'and your lightsaber'_ into that line. 

_ Fifteen minutes later… _  
Why do I suddenly visualize Anakin in Gladiator grab? I think Roman sandals are going in style next. Heck, Anakin can be a Gladiator later if I can pick this lock and free him… 

_ Twenty minutes later… _  
Ouch! I just dropped twenty feet onto a Reek's back and I feel sore. I think I won't be walking right for the next one month. Let's hope Obi-Wan saw me jump and nobody thinks that Anakin and I may have been shagging like bunnies across four different planets. 

_ Thirty minutes later… _  
I didn't know Yoda could command a starship fleet. 

_ Thirty-five minutes later… _  
I think I'm cursed. I just have to tumble down from the starship and hit the sands below. Wait, I'm not dead yet. May the Force is with me after all. 

_ Fifty minutes later… _  
The Force is not with Anakin. He lost an arm, thanks to Count Dooku. Poor Anakin… He is devastated. I understand his worries. He is afraid that I may find him less sexually appealing after losing an arm. 

Have no fear, Anakin Skywalker. I still love you and your lightsaber. 

Day #45: Naboo Lake Retreat - The Platform, again  
I can't believe this. I'm getting married to a Jedi knight barely six weeks after we met. Love is blind, they say. 

_ Later that evening… _  
_ "Anakin, can't you use the Force to heat your hand up a little? It's cold down there…"_ I grumbled. You see, this isn't exactly my perfect idea of a honeymoon, but it isn't every day that you get a Jedi knight for a loving husband. 

Well, it's not that I'm having twins in the near future… 

**THE END**


End file.
